What I've Become
by XbuttonsX
Summary: It's all my fault. It's always my fault. Except nothing like this has ever happened. i didn't think you'd go this far. Why? Why did I have to abandon you like I did? I don't blame you for hating me. I hate me too.


**A/N: Another to Sarah. I **_**have **_**been quite a monster lately. I don't deserve your forgiveness. But I wish beyond wishing that you might … keep me? I feel like a beaten dog crawling back to its master. **

**How could I own something that owns me?**

**WMWMWMWM**

I'm a monster. I forced you into what you did. I know that. And I hate myself for it! I hate myself all because I left you! I _left _you when you needed me most. I realize we were slipping away from each other but was that any excuse for my actions? Of course not! I betrayed you! I know I'm a monster. I don't blame you for your actions. I hurt you.

They say that you slipped. They say you fell. But the Roxas I knew didn't slip. He didn't fall. I know you better then anyone and I know it wasn't an accident. I caused you to do what it was you did. And it tears me apart inside. If only I had spent one more day with you, one more hour, one more minute, everything would have worked out, wouldn't it? I mean, it was because I was selfish. A selfish, arrogant, childish pig! And because of that, I will never get to see that radiant smile at something idiotic that I did. I will never get to hear that pristine laughter in the early hours of the morning after staying up too late! All because I was too sick to move.

Almost everyone blames me for your actions. I blame myself too. Some just say that you were being reckless, that you weren't watching where you were going. I know better. I know the whole story even though I wasn't there, no one was. You were alone in your final moments! And all because I'm a child! I blame myself for your death and it rips at my soul.

He hates me now. You know he won't even let me near you house. His blue orbs blaze with a flame so full of hatred that it makes me want to curl up in a ball and die. He hates me, the person who pleases every parent. You father despises me because he knows the truth. He knows how I feel about you and he hates me for it, I know he does. I can just feel it aching in my bones!

I walk the streets alone now, almost hearing your laughter ringing in my ears. Every song I hear makes my eyes well up with tears. You were my best friend and I hurt you so bad that I can't help you. I pushed you so far away that you will never forgive me. I chose him over you. But that isn't the whole truth, you know? I was crippled over with an aching head and a writhing stomach, passed out on his couch, waiting for unconsciousness to overcome me. I couldn't go home, of course. So if I couldn't go home, how could I go see you? I really, truly wish that I had. I know how much I hurt you and I regret it.

Do you hate me now? I would be shocked if you didn't. After all we've been through, promising to stay together until the end of time, I ruin it so easily? It's official, I fail at life.

When I am with others, I almost wish they would turn around and rip out my hair, slap me across the face and knee me in the gut. It wouldn't surmount to half of the pain I feel for losing you but it would help. Maybe I should tell the world what I did to you and then it would help me. I don't deserve the friends that remain. I wish that they would stab me through the heart so that I could at least know that I was as hated as I hate myself. Why did I have to do that to you?

Romeo and Juliet. The most cliché romance tail ever. I know how much you disliked cliché but that's all I can give you at this point. And so I stagger to the cemetery that you are laid out in, your favourite coolers in hand, half of which are already drained. I collapse in front of the marble headstone that marks where you rest and place my back against the cool stone, tears streaming down my cheeks.

"The Roxas I know wouldn't slip and fall," I sob, my voice cracking and failing. I crack open another cooler, strawberry, of course - it's the only alcohol you enjoy- and drink it down, feeling the burning haze gripping tighter. Another down and my vision blurs and the graves in front of me swim and intertwine. After the next two, my head is pounding and my vision is failing me. I know that this is the end and that what must be done shall be unless I wait until morning when the sting of the hangover would limit me, adding the pain of a headache to the pain of a broken heart.

Despite how cliché it is, I raise the knife to my chest and plunge it deep into my heart before unconsciousness can grab a hold of me and make me lose track of what it is I've come here to do. As the light fades from my eyes, I see your smiling face gazing at me from a memory I once thought lost.

_"You aren't ever going to leave me, are you, Roxas?"_

_"Why would I do such a thing?"_

_"Everyone says that friends grow apart with the years. I just don't want that to happen with us."_

_"Don't get so down, Axel. I'll always be your friend."_

The words sting and I can feel a new wave of tears rushing down past the tattoos that line my cheeks. In death, we are together again, aren't we? I hope so. I don't think I could have lived another day without you! You were the only one to keep me alive all this time. Why did you have to kill yourself? I lived with the guilt. But I can't take it anymore.

So I slip into the darkness, hoping beyond hope that I can reach you and explain, apologizing for all the pain I caused you. I wish that it didn't end this way. But I will always be a monster in their eyes. It's what I've become. I can't change it, not anymore. I'm glad I'm leaving them. I don't deserve their looks of sympathy. Now I get my wish of falling into solitude.

Darkness. It's what I've become.

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The End

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A/N: It can't be over. I shall not allow it. They are all on your side, you know? But I can't keep going like this as it looks like it's part of the story. Take it to heart. I miss you already. Friends come and go but I wish they didn't. I hate the fact that … it has blown too far away. Can we .. I dunno … be normal again. I don't know if you realize how much I hurt myself just because I failed you. I failed you beyond failure. So, what do you say? I understand if you hate me, but … I miss you. Review if you liked it. Just a bit of angst that I thought of at my stream. I am a monster.

The current is calling me, lulling me, waving goodbye.

Tootles;

XbuttonsX


End file.
